My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
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the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”