Hey baby, lemme see what’s under that shell.
Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.*
[3 hours later]
I still see you there baby.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.
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Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
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Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
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Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.