@thenatewolf

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

Don’t bother struggling. You’re my grandma now.

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@runner_mom2

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

@astralbr4t

the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am

@Marlebean

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@VisionBored1

My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying

@awesomeseank

My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

@mattsurely

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”