*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
me and my fake scenarios
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support