@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

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@mochanya

I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.

@KenJennings

I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

@yung_butters

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

@6to12elbow

How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?

@hellohappy_time

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

@Matt_the_1st

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

@jonnysun

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

@AaKesseli

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

@AngryRaccoon2

In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP