I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP