*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I didn’t realize that was an option
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.