*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should


At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.


23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles


me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda


It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


Magician: For my next trick—


I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!


Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.


“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.


I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret