@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

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@NYorNothing

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

@sir_shithead_I

At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

@KeetPotato

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@TheAlexNevil

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

@mattkoff

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

@markleggett

Clinton and Trump now enter the part of the election where they each have to spend a week looking after an egg with “America” written on it.

@Parkerlawyer

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

@SueChainzz

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret