Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.