@samfromks

*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*

Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…

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@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

@zacharyflynn

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

@suecorvette

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@LlamaInaTux

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

@chuuew

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

@Ygrene

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]