[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*Holds centipede up to your cheek as you’re sleeping and whispers*
Hey baby, the restraining order said a hundred feet…
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
omg leave her alone
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]