‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
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I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
A Short Story.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*