@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

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@3sunzzz

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

@JediGigi

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

@titletown__

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

@AHundredElbows

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

@Coops_Bradley

I’m still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.