*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
You Might Also Like
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
3% human
97% stress
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭