*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught