me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…
Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
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me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider