@AmericanGent69

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

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@HenpeckedHal

me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?

me:

son:

me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@AimeeHelene1

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

@Jandalize

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

@MikeDrucker

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@meganamram

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

@EAlMansy

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

@

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@GirlRestrained

Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider