*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight

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The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.


GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.


My son told my daughter to feed the dogs and she responded “in a minute.” He said if it needed to be done in a minute, he would have asked her in a minute and all of a sudden he was wearing white New Balance shoes and carrying a leafblower.


HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks


Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones


Me: I hate long sad goodbyes.
Cashier: I just want to give you your change.
Me: *puts finger on lips* shhhh. Don’t make this harder *leaves*


Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it’s built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.


*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.


A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.