*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight

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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner

son: why not???

me: because

son: because you ate it all for lunch again?



me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)


Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.


Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.


me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*


Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff


The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.




Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider