*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
🍞🦆
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
the Monday after daylight savings
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.