*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
You Might Also Like
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Basketball
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
6: are snakes just neck?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.