I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
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Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
N: SeNd NeWDs
Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*
Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.
I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I only had one beer Cupcake
Can i call you Cupcake?
Okay, I only had one beer Officer.