@TheBoydP

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

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@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@TheTweetOfGod

Man shall not live on bread alone. Yet it is easy to forget this at restaurants and end up full before the appetizer.

@1_swarthy_dude

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

@ArtConDee

Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*

@RandomManik

I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, “Chivalry is Dead”.

I said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. He wasn’t even trending on Twitter”.

@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

@mela_shea

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

@Chicken_Hawk38

I only had one beer Cupcake

Can i call you Cupcake?

No??

Okay, I only had one beer Officer.