*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
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All set.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
😎 🍻
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!