*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Sooo many times…..
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
pelicons
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies