*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
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People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this