*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I ate everything, including the H.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.