@JohnLyonTweets

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

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@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old:

2-year-old:

4-year-old: The dog.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

@LoveNLunchmeat

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

@Browtweaten

carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?

ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it

@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

@chopper4jk

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

@vladyhh

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

@OllyiConic

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid