*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Seals are just dog mermaids.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking