Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid