@scant_alpaca

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

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@Eoisit

If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”

@djdarrellripley

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

@AngelaEhh

My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.

*Updates dating profile.

@BuckyIsotope

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@AndrewNadeau0

RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket

@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

@geraintgriffith

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.