If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
My dentist said I have a very wet mouth.
*Updates dating profile.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
If the Discovery Channel’s new show ‘Naked And Afraid’ isn’t about Mormon honeymoons, I’m not interested.