[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
happy friday
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.