*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.