[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Her: lemme see your phone
Me: I forgot my fingerprint .
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.
HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.