@fro_vo

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

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@AtticusFinch79

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

@kimtopher22

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

@blade_funner

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

@jjhartinger

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.

@illiter8too

ME: I call bullshit getting kicked out of IHOP bc my anxiety falcon isn’t tethered; that pug’s not leashed.

HOST: Ma’am, that’s a toddler.

@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@bingowings14

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.