@squirrel74wkgn

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

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@pixelatedboat

People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire

@Shenaniglenns

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

@rantingmd

getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand

@underchilde

As a father, I would refuse to give my daughter away at her wedding on the grounds that I would have to be there.

@Lisa_Laughs_

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

@mom_ontherocks

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

@DaddyJew

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor