*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My dad is at it again
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking