*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Best spoiler warning ever
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”