Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Ha.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]