[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”