@Reverend_Scott

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

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@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@fuzzlime

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

@d_duhwit

Wife*outside bathroom door*:”I can hear ur keyboard clicking away. U tweeting in there?”
Me*pauses knitting*:”Uh, Ya”

@Trillburne

couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.

@Scdavis24

They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.

@LosLos__

Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]