Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*
M: Hm. That checks out.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.
I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery