@Reverend_Scott

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

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@Tmoney68

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

@TuSoonShakur

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

@letstrytomorrow

i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.

@BeingDBEAST

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…

@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

@XplodingUnicorn

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

@badbanana

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.

@skedaddle74

I dressed up my fly swatter in a baby doll outfit so everytime I swat one I can say “uh-oh, baby did a bad thing”

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@hazelmotes1

I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery