*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
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5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
That’s classic.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.