My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs