@bourgeoisalien

Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.

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@HomeWithPeanut

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

@MrAdamBez

A friend that steals your tortilla chips is nacho friend.

@JerpsBerps

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

@Scottzilla667

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

@WineMummy

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

@Shen_the_Bird

co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons

bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird

@3sunzzz

Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.