Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
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Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
…żyje?
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling