@InternetHippo

hollywood only caters to the bumbling oaf who wants to see godzilla and king kong fight, rather than to a genius like me who wants to see them start a small business

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@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

@effinghandbook

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

@heatherlou_

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

@thenatewolf

Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.

@Yankeegiant72

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.

@HenpeckedHal

Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences

@brynnester

Me: I got you these

Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?

Me: Well you said I never buy you flours