I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
hollywood only caters to the bumbling oaf who wants to see godzilla and king kong fight, rather than to a genius like me who wants to see them start a small business
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Me: I got you these
Wife: Self Rising, All Purpose and Wholewheat?
Me: Well you said I never buy you flours