@eXentRic_

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

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@Fickle_Filly

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

@mommajessiec

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

@Brentweets

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@El_nacho_Nigre

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@Lunatic_times

It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*