The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm
son: what happened to the animals
son: did they die
me: old mcdonald did
It might be a sign you have a drinking problem when the cashier at the liquor store asks if you own a bar.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*