[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Someone just threatened to call me later
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.