Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning
BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Cupid: I’m just jaded. I feel overlooked
Dr.: Why, because of Rudolph?
Cupid: Not really he’s a really great deer, I just…
Dr.: What is it?
Cupid: I just can’t believe I’m the second most famous Cupid like what are the friggin’ odds
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad