Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
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I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.