Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!

*checks the date*

It’s 15 years younger than me.

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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.


DOCTOR: take two of these & call me in the morning

BREWERY: take six of these & call your neighbor a shithead


Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?


This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.


Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween


If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.


I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car


[psychologists office]

Cupid: I’m just jaded. I feel overlooked

Dr.: Why, because of Rudolph?

Cupid: Not really he’s a really great deer, I just…

Dr.: What is it?

Cupid: I just can’t believe I’m the second most famous Cupid like what are the friggin’ odds


Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.


Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad