“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
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Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude