@VaguelyFunnyDan

Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me

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@ChaseMit

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

@clyderun

The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.

@Social_Mime

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

@laurajennyjo

*knock knock*

Go away I’m not home

“I can hear you”

I can hear you too..go away

“I brought food”

What kind of food

@HatfieldAnne

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

@Brampersandon_

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

@Fred_Delicious

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

@mastrap84

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?