don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
In Canada they just call them geese
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.