Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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The ex hasn’t moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Go away I’m not home
“I can hear you”
I can hear you too..go away
“I brought food”
What kind of food
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
who did this 😂