Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
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Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Very good! 👍😂
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Just how popey was the pope today?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay