Holy shit he’s back
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”