I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”