Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now