Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
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One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person
I don’t like to talk about it
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.