me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Kids, do not try this at home!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
“OMGJK” -atheists
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.