“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
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Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I’m confused about plants
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Friday
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.