@SaltyCorpse

Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?

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@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

@DontTouchMyWine

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@TheNYAMProject

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@lmegordon

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@patrickmarkryan

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

@krisv_723

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@meganamram

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to