All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to