My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.