Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
What personal space?
My dog
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
My sex drive has a dui
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
what it’s like dating me:
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
No, he would not have.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….