Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me