@StarksWeek

“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.

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@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@Seinfeld2000

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

@fuzzlime

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@HatfieldAnne

How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.

@dumbbeezie

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

@Cadmarch

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

@teacup_giraffe

My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.