Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
You Might Also Like
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.