“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.

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WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes


right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson


running feels great unless you compare it to not running


Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.


How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.


My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots


Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?


My friends won’t get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is “mexillent”.