Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

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Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.


Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.


Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two


Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.


One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.


I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.


If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.


[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.


yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case