Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

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Son: I think the dishwasher is leaking

Me, rowing my canoe right passed him: you think?


I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.


LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me


We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked


i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers


I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?


REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*