Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.