@BoozieEyedJoe

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

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@DaddyJew

Son: I think the dishwasher is leaking

Me, rowing my canoe right passed him: you think?

@Home_Halfway

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

@ArfMeasures

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

@ItsDanSheehan

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@BunAndLeggings

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

@TheCatWhisprer

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*