@BoozieEyedJoe

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

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@mack44_d

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: I love this couch.

@tchrquotes

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@Howiesbookclub

Blood oranges at the farmer’s market. What am I, The Lord of War? Peddle your conflict fruit someplace else.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

@Social_Mime

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

@SuperApple8

If Ryan Gosling doesn’t ask me to be his valentine, I’m moving on. This ship has sailed. This ball has sunk. This fart has flatulated.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

@shutupmikeginn

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case