[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
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I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
My god she’s good.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.