Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Me: bro, spot me
Guy at next urinal: no
“Here’s what I would do…”
– me, giving bad advice
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?