@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

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@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@CulturedRuffian

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@Lisabug74

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.