@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child

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@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@Cheeseboy22

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

@yonewt

Woo-hoo wife is gone for the evening so you know what that means
*practices repertoire of silly walks all over the house
*adds two new ones

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

@Marlebean

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

@MindyFurano

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

@ItsAllBollocks

I envy pretty criers, I just look like a blotchy, swollen potato drowned in dishwater

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question