me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Shortcut
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”