joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”