Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

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It would be way cooler if whenever you punched a kid, a bunch of coins came out of them like in Mario. But ya, I’m free to babysit tonight.


Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”


Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.


VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?


Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.


“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.


*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*


“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru