@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

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@3sunzzz

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

@MissSassy_Pants

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

@sixfootcandy

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

@Almighty_Smoot

Saturday plans:
-get abducted then hunted by a group of rich guys on a game reserve, then systematically take them out one by one.
– laundry

@BellesJar

Friends with an ex?

I don’t even want to be friends with my friends.

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@Yung40Ounce

*Gets pulled over by cop*

“Papers?”

“Scissors”

*Cop removes glasses*

“Rocks?”

*Both start successful trap house*

@MollyERA

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.