“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
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dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.