Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*exercises sarcastically*
how many bears make up a bear minimum
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?