Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.